Yee Mun Mow – 余漫谋
Tragedies
Ecclesiastes 3:4 “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,”
There are seasons for joy, and sometimes seasons of sorrow. Being in a large family, dad has his share of sorrow in his earlier years. His elder sister died in her 20s of childbirth after delivering her third child. The child was safe but the mother had lost too much blood and bled to her death. Two of his younger sisters (my 3rd and 6th aunt) died young – one of high fever as a toddler and another as a baby of illness. His 3rd brother was killed in a explosion in a factory near the goldsmith shop in Gopeng at around 10 years old – he was watching workers in a factory do metal work when a furnace exploded near him, causing over 80% burns. Otherwise, those on my dad’s side live to ripe old ages.
My mum’s side has a history of short life. Her dad – my granddad passed away in his sleep of heart attack at around 50. Grandma lived only a few years longer, dying also of heart attack in her sleep. Mum’s youngest brother, died at around the same age as his dad, also of heart attack in his sleep. My mum survived the longest, also suffering a heart attack but at 78 – long enough to see all her grandchildren being born. Mum had early stage dementia too a few years before she passed on. That resulted in some difficult moments for dad too.
The start of my parents’ later years in life was marked by a massive tragedy – the death of my elder brother in his mid 20s. Depression is real and sadly, can be deadly. It changed many things. Mum asked for the earliest possible retirement. Dad, ever the doer, continued to work for as long as he could. It hit them really hard as it would any parent who cares for their children. I think dad continued to blame himself throughout his life, though I do not think it was his fault.
Slowing Down
For the longest time, my parents never travelled beyond Singapore and Malaysia. Malaysia trips were almost always by dad’s driving. There could have been exceptions when I was a baby, because I had to travel between Singapore and Gopeng, where I was cared for. The doctors discovered quite soon after my birth that I had a hole-in-the-heart. Nevertheless, grandparents cared for me but I was told that I had to return to Singapore for medical checks as a baby, none of which of course I can remember. I was only told by relatives that I was the ‘lucky one’ who got to fly.
When I was in secondary school, dad helped mum’s brother with a housing investment in Singapore which he made some money. He rewarded my parents with a trip to Japan. My parents came back so happy with their first ever flying holiday to a faraway place. Thereafter, they travelled more extensively, during the long holidays, to China, Korea, Japan, Taiwan, New Zealand and Europe. When retired, they joined some gardening club and had a super long trip to China and the group kept in touch quite regularly back in Singapore until one by one, they grew old or passed on (We contacted one of the still surviving members of that group for the wake and she left a very emotional voice message in a teary voice for dad). China was their most regular destination. When I started working, I also managed to bring them on shorter trips to Malaysia, Cambodia, Vietnam and Indonesia. They also went with my siblings to many places such as NZ, Japan, HK, Korea, UK (where dad first experienced snow) and more.
He was a doting grandfather. He lived mostly with my brother’s children and helped them with their homework, mostly in Chinese and Art. He would helped them complete their art assignments like how he did for mum when they were still dating at TTC! He also helped occasionally with my children’s Chinese.
The Celebrations
Dad and mum got to see their remaining three children get married and have a total of eight grandkids. Dad got to see his great grandson from my eldest daughter. In April 2023, he celebrated his 90th birthday with baby Isaiah, who was also celebrating his first month. He also got to see a second wedding of his granddaughter, my 2nd daughter. Whenever his children or grandchildren did well, you can be sure that he would go and tell relatives and you could tell how proud he was.
Dad the Investor
Dad was always cautious. Grandpa and Grandma invested in shares, mostly blue chips in Malaysia and did well. Dad picked up investing and also had some good investments of Singapore and Malaysian blue chip companies. With the economic boom for Singapore and Malaysia in the 70s to 90s, many of his investments did well to see through his retirement and the occasional overseas trips. In his later years, he would chase FD interest rates in banks. Even at 90 before his final illness, he could remember exactly which FD would be expiring when.
When I started an internet education business in 2000, dad readily put in I think $80,000 into it with the pioneer group of investors. I was glad to be able to give him good returns when we sold the business 7 years later. Otherwise, he would never invest in any non-listed companies.
The Worrier
Dad worries over just about everything. It was like that when we were young and probably he grew to worry more as he aged. I recall when I was in secondary school and college, if I forgot to tell him that I would be late, he would start to worry by 9 pm. Several times, he dug up my telephone book (yes, in the old days we do not have handphones and we record house telephone numbers on small books) and start calling all my friends down the list to check if I was with them. When I passed driving and started using his car, sometimes I would go for late night drives with friends, particularly when free after National Service duties. He would sometimes be up walking the nearby streets trying to find me!
The grandkids staying with him all have their share of him worrying over their studies, their sleeping late and all things imaginable. Even with me in my 50s now, he continued to worry over the things that I do. It is just his way.
I think the one that got him the most worried was when I joined the Workers’ Party in GE2011 as its candidate for Joo Chiat SMC, the very ward that they had lived in. I suspected that he might have some objections so I waited till it was quite close for me to be introduced by the Party to the public to break the news to mum and him. Surprisingly, the initial reaction was almost nothing. It would have been a week or more later when my name surfaced in newspapers and I was interviewed by the TV that all the worst possible scenarios came to him. I got a call from him one night after CNA interviewed me. It started with him asking me to pull out. I told him that I could not as I had already been introduced to the public. Technically, nomination was not done yet and the election date not yet announced, so I could actually withdraw. But I felt it was irresponsible of me to do so after committing to the candidacy. He became more desperate in his tone, pleading at one stage with “我求求你…” (I beg you). He said that mum was worried and insisted to him to get me to pull out. He cited how many principals and teachers he knew of were imprisoned or lost their job. That would have included how he ended up filling a teaching vacancy in Lee Hua Primary in the early 1960s because seven from the school were terminated. It was most painful to hear dad pleading so intensely with me. I could only promise him that I would steer clear of things that could get me into libel suits or trouble.
Dad and mum were originally supposed to be on my list of assentors for nomination in GE2011. Every candidate would need a minimum of six voting residents in the constituency to support the nomination. He said he could not do it as mum would be worried. I told him I would be able to find enough assentors. Even in his state of worry on my participation, he offered to be made a backup in case on Nomination Day an assentor fail to show up. He even called me on Nomination Day to check if he was needed. We never had to.
Despite his huge worry over my participation, when the campaign started, he asked for our flyers and went around to give to neighbours whom he knew. He would take these to coffeeshops and give to the stall owners to tell them to vote for his son. A funny story was that I had also gotten a coffeeshop operator in Siglap enthusiastic about our campaign. When dad went to order food from him, the food operator whipped up my flyer and told dad to vote for me. Dad proudly pronounced, “That’s my son!”.
We had a day in which we would visit houses in his immediate neighbourhood. He asked for a WP blue volunteer T-shirt and insisted of going with me to find neighbours that he knew. Such was my dad – even in his worries, he wanted to see me do well and would do what he could.
A Song for Dad
Recently, I heard a Chinese song. I checked out its lyrics. It looked like it was perfectly written for us. We were fortunate that the hospital alerted us on his last moments to come as soon as we could, and gave us a private room. All of us gathered to say what we needed to him. We managed to play this song for him even as he was gasping for breath due to the havoc wreaked by the cancer in his lungs.
The father described in the song is one who is strong, who held up the family by what he did. Yet his hands are gentle and warm. The songwriter wished for time to slow down and not let father age. Watching my dad age and deteriorate so rapidly in the final months had been really painful for us. Dad had been relatively healthy, was walking about the neighbourhood on his own, and had beaten prostate cancer. All of a sudden, he became bed bound, sometimes not even able to feed himself. I feel, and we all felt, we could have done more for him. When I was young, dad was the person I looked up to. He was the strong figure of the house, no doubt strict with us to want us to do well. He was the capable one who could do so many things – cook, write calligraphy, recite poems, play all sorts of sports, take good photographs, drive long distances, fix stuff in the house, and find ways to make money to give us special treats. I wanted to do well to make him proud. Dad, you have spent your whole life worrying for us. You can rest in peace. We have all grown up. You have done what you could. Thank you.
父亲
总是向你索取 却不曾说谢谢你
直到长大以后 才懂得你不容易
每次离开总是装作轻松的样子
微笑着说回去吧 转身泪湿眼底
多想和从前一样 牵你温暖手掌
可是你不在我身旁 托清风捎去安康
时光时光慢些吧 不要再让你变老了
我愿用我一切换你岁月长留
一生要强的爸爸 我能为你做些什么
微不足道的关心 收下吧
谢谢你做的一切 双手撑起我们的家
总是竭尽所有把最好的给我
我是你的骄傲吗 还在为我而担心吗
你牵挂的孩子啊 长大啦
多想和从前一样 牵你温暖手掌
可是你不在我身旁 托清风捎去安康
时光时光慢些吧 不要再让你变老了
我愿用我一切换你岁月长留
一生要强的爸爸 我能为你做些什么
微不足道的关心 收下吧
谢谢你做的一切 双手撑起我们的家
总是竭尽所有把最好的给我
我是你的骄傲吗 还在为我而担心吗
你牵挂的孩子啊 长大啦
时光时光慢些吧 不要再让你变老啦
我愿用我一切换你岁月长留
我是你的骄傲吗 还在为我而担心吗
你牵挂的孩子啊 长大啦
感谢一路上有你
Yee Jenn Jong 