Jan 12 2024

Dad’s Later Years

Yee Mun Mow – 余漫谋

Tragedies

Ecclesiastes 3:4 “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,”

There are seasons for joy, and sometimes seasons of sorrow. Being in a large family, dad has his share of sorrow in his earlier years. His elder sister died in her 20s of childbirth after delivering her third child. The child was safe but the mother had lost too much blood and bled to her death. Two of his younger sisters (my 3rd and 6th aunt) died young – one of high fever as a toddler and another as a baby of illness. His 3rd brother was killed in a explosion in a factory near the goldsmith shop in Gopeng at around 10 years old – he was watching workers in a factory do metal work when a furnace exploded near him, causing over 80% burns. Otherwise, those on my dad’s side live to ripe old ages.

My mum’s side has a history of short life. Her dad – my granddad passed away in his sleep of heart attack at around 50. Grandma lived only a few years longer, dying also of heart attack in her sleep. Mum’s youngest brother, died at around the same age as his dad, also of heart attack in his sleep. My mum survived the longest, also suffering a heart attack but at 78 – long enough to see all her grandchildren being born. Mum had early stage dementia too a few years before she passed on. That resulted in some difficult moments for dad too.

The start of my parents’ later years in life was marked by a massive tragedy – the death of my elder brother in his mid 20s. Depression is real and sadly, can be deadly. It changed many things. Mum asked for the earliest possible retirement. Dad, ever the doer, continued to work for as long as he could. It hit them really hard as it would any parent who cares for their children. I think dad continued to blame himself throughout his life, though I do not think it was his fault.

Slowing Down

For the longest time, my parents never travelled beyond Singapore and Malaysia. Malaysia trips were almost always by dad’s driving. There could have been exceptions when I was a baby, because I had to travel between Singapore and Gopeng, where I was cared for. The doctors discovered quite soon after my birth that I had a hole-in-the-heart. Nevertheless, grandparents cared for me but I was told that I had to return to Singapore for medical checks as a baby, none of which of course I can remember. I was only told by relatives that I was the ‘lucky one’ who got to fly.

When I was in secondary school, dad helped mum’s brother with a housing investment in Singapore which he made some money. He rewarded my parents with a trip to Japan. My parents came back so happy with their first ever flying holiday to a faraway place. Thereafter, they travelled more extensively, during the long holidays, to China, Korea, Japan, Taiwan, New Zealand and Europe. When retired, they joined some gardening club and had a super long trip to China and the group kept in touch quite regularly back in Singapore until one by one, they grew old or passed on (We contacted one of the still surviving members of that group for the wake and she left a very emotional voice message in a teary voice for dad). China was their most regular destination. When I started working, I also managed to bring them on shorter trips to Malaysia, Cambodia, Vietnam and Indonesia. They also went with my siblings to many places such as NZ, Japan, HK, Korea, UK (where dad first experienced snow) and more.

He was a doting grandfather. He lived mostly with my brother’s children and helped them with their homework, mostly in Chinese and Art. He would helped them complete their art assignments like how he did for mum when they were still dating at TTC! He also helped occasionally with my children’s Chinese.

Dad, mum, 2nd uncle and his wife and my sister in New Zealand. It was a chanced meeting between dad and uncle as they both booked the travel with different tour companies. Must be the telepathy between brothers that got them to meet while both families were holidaying.

*At Jeju, 2015 with my brother’s children*

*Dad working on an art piece to help one of my nieces or nephew. His art was self taught.*

*Calligraphy by dad for one of his grandchild. He was naturally good with his handwriting.*

The masterchef at work. He cooked till less than a month before he was rushed to hospital. Only tasty food came out of his kitchen. Mum hardly cooked, except for her specialty Hainanese chicken rice which we will get once in a few months.

Dad drove till he was around 85. We forgot to send him for the annual medical report necessary for elderly folks to continue driving and he decided not to drive anymore. He would often fetch his grand children around when he could drive.

The Celebrations

Dad and mum got to see their remaining three children get married and have a total of eight grandkids. Dad got to see his great grandson from my eldest daughter. In April 2023, he celebrated his 90th birthday with baby Isaiah, who was also celebrating his first month. He also got to see a second wedding of his granddaughter, my 2nd daughter. Whenever his children or grandchildren did well, you can be sure that he would go and tell relatives and you could tell how proud he was.

*A growing tribe at first grandchild’s wedding*

*Tea ceremony at the wedding of another grandchild*

*A beaming newly minted Great Granddad on his 90th birthday*

*My graduation with MSc and birth of the first grandchild*

*First wedding of their children – that of my sister*

Dad the Investor

Dad was always cautious. Grandpa and Grandma invested in shares, mostly blue chips in Malaysia and did well. Dad picked up investing and also had some good investments of Singapore and Malaysian blue chip companies. With the economic boom for Singapore and Malaysia in the 70s to 90s, many of his investments did well to see through his retirement and the occasional overseas trips. In his later years, he would chase FD interest rates in banks. Even at 90 before his final illness, he could remember exactly which FD would be expiring when.

When I started an internet education business in 2000, dad readily put in I think $80,000 into it with the pioneer group of investors. I was glad to be able to give him good returns when we sold the business 7 years later. Otherwise, he would never invest in any non-listed companies.

The Worrier

Dad worries over just about everything. It was like that when we were young and probably he grew to worry more as he aged. I recall when I was in secondary school and college, if I forgot to tell him that I would be late, he would start to worry by 9 pm. Several times, he dug up my telephone book (yes, in the old days we do not have handphones and we record house telephone numbers on small books) and start calling all my friends down the list to check if I was with them. When I passed driving and started using his car, sometimes I would go for late night drives with friends, particularly when free after National Service duties. He would sometimes be up walking the nearby streets trying to find me!

The grandkids staying with him all have their share of him worrying over their studies, their sleeping late and all things imaginable. Even with me in my 50s now, he continued to worry over the things that I do. It is just his way.

I think the one that got him the most worried was when I joined the Workers’ Party in GE2011 as its candidate for Joo Chiat SMC, the very ward that they had lived in. I suspected that he might have some objections so I waited till it was quite close for me to be introduced by the Party to the public to break the news to mum and him. Surprisingly, the initial reaction was almost nothing. It would have been a week or more later when my name surfaced in newspapers and I was interviewed by the TV that all the worst possible scenarios came to him. I got a call from him one night after CNA interviewed me. It started with him asking me to pull out. I told him that I could not as I had already been introduced to the public. Technically, nomination was not done yet and the election date not yet announced, so I could actually withdraw. But I felt it was irresponsible of me to do so after committing to the candidacy. He became more desperate in his tone, pleading at one stage with “我求求你…” (I beg you). He said that mum was worried and insisted to him to get me to pull out. He cited how many principals and teachers he knew of were imprisoned or lost their job. That would have included how he ended up filling a teaching vacancy in Lee Hua Primary in the early 1960s because seven from the school were terminated. It was most painful to hear dad pleading so intensely with me. I could only promise him that I would steer clear of things that could get me into libel suits or trouble.

Dad and mum were originally supposed to be on my list of assentors for nomination in GE2011. Every candidate would need a minimum of six voting residents in the constituency to support the nomination. He said he could not do it as mum would be worried. I told him I would be able to find enough assentors. Even in his state of worry on my participation, he offered to be made a backup in case on Nomination Day an assentor fail to show up. He even called me on Nomination Day to check if he was needed. We never had to.

Despite his huge worry over my participation, when the campaign started, he asked for our flyers and went around to give to neighbours whom he knew. He would take these to coffeeshops and give to the stall owners to tell them to vote for his son. A funny story was that I had also gotten a coffeeshop operator in Siglap enthusiastic about our campaign. When dad went to order food from him, the food operator whipped up my flyer and told dad to vote for me. Dad proudly pronounced, “That’s my son!”.

We had a day in which we would visit houses in his immediate neighbourhood. He asked for a WP blue volunteer T-shirt and insisted of going with me to find neighbours that he knew. Such was my dad – even in his worries, he wanted to see me do well and would do what he could.

*Visiting neighbours during GE2011 with dad*

Dad putting up GE2020 poster outside his gate at Opera Estate. He and mum never voted for any party until GE2011, when I contested in where he lived at. He had colleagues and acquaintances locked up without trial during Operation Coldstore. But since GE2011, he would put up our posters proudly outside his gate which I never asked him to. Dad the worrier who avoided politics like poison, yet proud to tell everyone to vote for his son and team mates.

A Song for Dad

Recently, I heard a Chinese song. I checked out its lyrics. It looked like it was perfectly written for us. We were fortunate that the hospital alerted us on his last moments to come as soon as we could, and gave us a private room. All of us gathered to say what we needed to him. We managed to play this song for him even as he was gasping for breath due to the havoc wreaked by the cancer in his lungs.

The father described in the song is one who is strong, who held up the family by what he did. Yet his hands are gentle and warm. The songwriter wished for time to slow down and not let father age. Watching my dad age and deteriorate so rapidly in the final months had been really painful for us. Dad had been relatively healthy, was walking about the neighbourhood on his own, and had beaten prostate cancer. All of a sudden, he became bed bound, sometimes not even able to feed himself. I feel, and we all felt, we could have done more for him. When I was young, dad was the person I looked up to. He was the strong figure of the house, no doubt strict with us to want us to do well. He was the capable one who could do so many things – cook, write calligraphy, recite poems, play all sorts of sports, take good photographs, drive long distances, fix stuff in the house, and find ways to make money to give us special treats. I wanted to do well to make him proud. Dad, you have spent your whole life worrying for us. You can rest in peace. We have all grown up. You have done what you could. Thank you.

父亲

总是向你索取却不曾说谢谢你
直到长大以后才懂得你不容易
每次离开总是装作轻松的样子
微笑着说回去吧转身泪湿眼底
多想和从前一样牵你温暖手掌
可是你不在我身旁托清风捎去安康
时光时光慢些吧不要再让你变老了
我愿用我一切换你岁月长留
一生要强的爸爸我能为你做些什么
微不足道的关心收下吧
谢谢你做的一切双手撑起我们的家

总是竭尽所有把最好的给我
我是你的骄傲吗还在为我而担心吗
你牵挂的孩子啊长大啦
多想和从前一样牵你温暖手掌
可是你不在我身旁托清风捎去安康
时光时光慢些吧不要再让你变老了
我愿用我一切换你岁月长留
一生要强的爸爸我能为你做些什么
微不足道的关心收下吧
谢谢你做的一切双手撑起我们的家
总是竭尽所有把最好的给我
我是你的骄傲吗还在为我而担心吗
你牵挂的孩子啊长大啦
时光时光慢些吧不要再让你变老啦
我愿用我一切换你岁月长留
我是你的骄傲吗还在为我而担心吗
你牵挂的孩子啊长大啦
感谢一路上有你

Jan 12 2024

Dad’s Middle Years – Family in Singapore

Yee Mun Mow – 余漫谋

(continued from previous post)

Establishing Career and Family

Dad and mum got married in 1960, the same year they graduated from TTC, and became Chinese language teachers in different schools. Mum became expectant the next year. My mum’s dad visited them in Singapore and told dad to buy a house instead of spending a good part of the then-low teachers’ salaries on the rental house on Everton Road (That rental house is today a new condominium, and opposite to the community hospital that dad would eventually pass away in 64 years later). Granddad advised that they would soon have a child and perhaps more. Space will be needed. That was probably the best investment decision dad and mum made. They took a mortgage for a S$20,000 double-storey terrace house at Opera Estate in Siglap. Kg Chai Chee at the back of the house was literally a Kampung with pigs, chicken and vegetable farms until about 10 years after they had moved in. I remembered as a very young child, farmers coming to collect waste food from the back of our house and giving us eggs during Chinese New Year.

My sister was born in 1961, my elder brother in 1963 and I in 1965. Life was challenging for the young couple to teach full time and handle three children. They had to plan their teaching shifts so that one would teach morning and the other afternoon session (schools were double sessions in those days). Grandpa (on dad’s side in Gopeng) offered to look after me. I went off to live in northern Malaysia for over 2 years. I remembered nothing of my stay there other than from photos and what people told me of Gopeng. But my earliest memory of life was when dad and mum fetched me back from Gopeng, brought me to the Opera Estate house and told me that this is my new home and I was to live well with my sister and brother.

Dad with firstborn – my elder sister with his first car in his new house at Opera Estate

Dad with the first 3. Author is on lap. Looks like the age when I finally returned to Singapore to stay for good.

My earliest memory of the schools that dad taught in was Yock Eng High (in the primary section). Mum was then teaching in Kong Hwa Primary. Both were not too far from our home. I remember these because I attended kindergarten in mum’s school and dad would bring me and sometimes my siblings as well to school because he had to work and there was no one else to look after us. Hence, Yock Eng (now CDAC HQ in Tanjong Katong) was a regular playground for me. Sis attended Kong Hwa School, which was then a Chinese medium school. The education policy in Singapore was changing. Dad could speak a little English. Mum could not speak English. Dad recognised that for us to survive in the newly independent Singapore, we had to be good in English. So my brother and I were sent to St. Stephen’s, and we later followed everyone else in class to St. Patrick’s. Dad figured that if they could not teach us English, the school would. We would get sufficient exposure to mandarin at home. Sis however, continued in Chinese medium schools till she entered university, as she had already started from primary one.

I am not sure how long dad taught at the small Wen Xuan Primary at Neil Road. It was not for very long, because the school was small, enrollment was dwindling and dad felt it was better to move to a bigger school. An opportunity opened up in a turbulent Singapore. The principal and 6 teachers at Lee Hua Primary at 7th mile of Yio Chu Kang road were terminated or imprisoned for being involved in alleged communist activities. That was in the early 1960s and some could have been those imprisoned without trial during Operations Coldstore. They were members of the Barisan Sosialis, which was competing for power with the PAP as a split away group. Dad filled one of the teaching vacancies. Hence his aversion for politics. He never told any of us how he and mum voted in each general election when as kids, we pestered them after each GE to ask. I only knew after I had entered politics myself, ironically in the camp that he feared most because he saw for himself colleagues whose lives, careers and sometimes even families were destroyed due to being in opposition politics. He never voted for any political party – he and mum spoiled every one of their votes because they were afraid of being accused by whichever that won if they voted otherwise. It was only when I took part in the GEs that they made extra effort to make sure that they crossed only once and where my name was.

The old Yock Eng High – image from a 1972 yearbook

From a Yock Eng High’s 1972 year book – as a Primary 6 teacher. I remembered dad teaching mainly in Pri 6 or upper levels while mum taught the lower levels at Kong Hwa School.

One of several continuing education courses dad attended while teaching

A new birth – mine, and a reason to go to the photo studio

A final addition to the family and a reason to be at the photo studio again – birth of my younger brother in 1972

Dad taught for a long time at Yock Eng High, until it was about to become a secondary only school in 1985. I think he was transferred to Jln Daud Primary, a government school, which soon merged into Jaya Primary and then into East Coast Primary. After retirement, he continued to teach as a relief Chinese teacher in nearby schools and did examination invigilation in schools and in Temasek Polytechnic.

I am not too familiar with his work because he does not talk very much about it at home. I overheard him once complaining to mum about being passed over for a promotion into a leadership position, perhaps a Senior Assistant or some HOD type of position. I sensed that he had the ambition to go higher but remained a teacher. One of the subjects he would usually teach was art, because he was naturally good with his hands. He taught himself art and was good with calligraphy. Some of his more enthusiastic students would even come to our house to do cooper tooling and other more hands-on art that needed more time. I remember one, around my age, who was not particularly good with his academic subjects. However, he was good with his hands and loved to come to our house to do his pieces. He was one of those that took more years to graduate from primary school. After he had left school, he continued to visit us especially during Chinese New Year. He did well and became the owner of a motor oil distribution company somewhere in Defu Lane. I believe that his was one of the lives my dad had touched and changed. Two of his students (around my age) read his obituary and came to the wake. They shared that dad made a great impact in their lives when they were just 12 years old, helping them realise their potential.

Dad was also the one who saw to our studies. He was strict and no-nonsense. It was fearful whenever my marks dipped below 35 (out of 50) in any of my tests. Initially, I could put the blame on my uncle who was living with us for distracting me from my studies. But when uncle returned home to Gopeng, my excuse was gone and I worked extra hard to ensure that I stayed off dad’s scolding or the occasional canning. Thankfully, my results picked up and I stayed relatively out of trouble. Despite his strictness, he also had a soft side. My youngest brother, 7 years apart from me, came as the baby of the house. The three of us were still schooling, and youngest bro was looked after by a nanny (奶妈) in Chai Chee, walking distance from our house. Whenever youngest bro was sick, dad would go over to Chai Chee to look after him after settling things at home, so that 奶妈 could do her housework. It was from this nanny that my brother picked up Hainanese. Ironically that was the mother tongue of my mother but we never learnt it until we had to speak with youngest bro who could only speak Hainanese when he came home for the weekends.

Mum was quite different from dad. She was contented to just teach, manage less responsibility and opted for early retirement, especially after the death of my eldest brother. She was in Kong Hwa for an even longer period that dad was at Yock Eng and spend a remaining short time of her career with a now defunct primary school in Geylang where the Singapore Badminton Hall now stands. The main benefits we got from mum’s work was she was a librarian for many years with the school and we had endless supply of Chinese books to read. My favourite were the comics ones. The rest were too tough!

Family Treats

Even with four children to manage without any domestic helpers (other than regular part-timers who came occasionally to wash clothes and another to clean the house), dad found time to give tuition, not many, just a couple of students each week. Whenever he got paid, that was the time for treats at the Pasar Malam (night market, which we had in Opera Estate along the canal long ago) or Dim Sum at some nice restaurants. Those were expensive in those days when teachers’ salaries were low. Still, we got to go to restaurants like Oasis in Kallang, Neptune in town, revolving restaurants and a few nice ones which I cannot remember the names. Dad can cook well and when he eats out, it must be at a place where the food is as good as his cooking.

Even at home, dad would be the chef. Every dish was delicious. Even in his old age, he could tell when cooking was off and exactly what was needed to fix it. I remember him to be usually the one doing the afternoon teaching and coming back to rush out the meals. When we were a little older (I was in primary 3), we had to take turns to wash and cook the rice first as the rice would take too long to cook when dad came back. We also had to wash the dishes after meals, not the favourite things for kids to do of course.

The best treats were the drive out to interesting places. We did not have money to fly in those days because air tickets were expensive. Dad’s car was well used, not just for work but also to drive us out to visit places in Singapore or Malaysia. We went to many interesting places in Singapore, such as Nantah campus, Seletar Reservoir Rocket Tower, MacRitchie Reservoir, Zoo, Changi Beach, etc. Dad the photographer would capture these moments, first on his antique twin-lens reflex camera and later on a Nikon FE Manual (which became my camera when I got interested during Junior College). The best were the long drives out to Malaysia to visit relatives (mum was from Muar and dad from Gopeng, but we had many relatives elsewhere too in Penang, KL and JB). In those days when there were no multiple lane highways, we would go on the old highways all over. Places that we have been to are too many to list, including all over Penang, Gopeng, Ipoh, Cameroon Highlands, Genting, Frasers Hill, Muar, Kota Tinggi waterfalls, KL, Port Dickson, etc. He had good stamina to drive all alone with three and later four noisy children behind. Much to mum’s annoyance, I was the naughty one constantly asking him to cut (i.e. overtake) cars and trucks. Overtaking was tricky on the old highway as you will need to drive into the opposite direction.

We did not have many toys. Dad’s cars stayed long in the family until repairs became too high or later when COE was introduced and it became just 10 years per car. My childhood was filled with many of these wonderful memories of special treats and family trips which I am thankful for and which I have learned to model to give to my own children. For this, I have to thank dad for it.